The Faketrix
by Creator13
Summary: Sonic and Co. Are fighting the Faketrix. Is Sonic the First? Not likely. By God's mercy let's hope not.


The Faketrix  
by Creator13  
  
Key: S=Sonic as Neo K=Knuckles as Morphius SD=Shadow as Mr. Smith (N)=Narrator as Narrator SL=Sally as Trinity BR=Bunnie Rabbot as the Sexy Rabbit that shows up once in a while DD=Drug Dealer, as the one guy T= Tails as Mouse A= Amy as the white-haired chick M= Mighty as Tank ANT= Antoine as The Traitor G= Gator as Dozer LD= Lien-Da as the Oracle  
  
(N= Long ago, in a galaxy far, far away...)  
  
S= Hey, that's not the right story!  
  
(N= Oh, sorry. There once was a boy named Harry Potter, he was destined to be...)  
  
S= That's not right either!  
  
(N= Sorry, ummmm... I know! They called it the Titanic, and it was the ship of dreams...)  
  
S= What the fuck is your problem? This is the Faketrix episode!  
  
(N= It is?)  
  
S= Yes dammit! Now get to the right introduction!  
  
(N= Oh, okay. We see Sonic sitting asleep at his computer desk, the screen goes black, words appear.)  
  
Words= Wake up Sonic.  
  
S= *wakes up* What the...? What's this?  
  
Words= The Faketrix has you.  
  
S= The Faketrix? Is that even a word?  
  
Words= Yes, now shut up and read me.  
  
S= Okay.  
  
Words= Follow the sexy rabbit.  
  
S= The WHAT?!  
  
Words= Knock, Knock; Sonic.  
  
*knock knock*  
  
S= Whoa!  
  
(N= Sonic turned and looked at the door for a second, before getting up and opening it. Outside was a drug dealer, and Bunnie Rabbot.)  
  
DD= Hey Sonic, I got some goood shit for you today!  
  
S= Hold on, I'll get my money.  
  
(N= Sonic closed the door and opened a book, in the book was a wad of money. Sonic grabs the money and opens the door again.)  
  
S= Here's the money.  
  
DD= And here's your coke. Halleijuha, man; you're my savior.  
  
S= Hey, if I get caught using this stuff, I'll kick your ass.  
  
DD= Hey man, settle down. Ya look paler than usual. Why don't you come down to The Club man, have some fun, y'know? Whaddaya think Bunnie?  
  
BR= Definitely sugah.  
  
S= I don't know... wait...  
  
(N= Sonic takes a good look at Bunnie.)  
  
BR= Take a fucking picture, it'll last longer.  
  
S= You're... sexy, and a rabbit too.  
  
BR= Well, thanks, but I kind of got the idea that I was a rabbit already.  
  
S= Sure. Okay dude, I'll go.  
  
DD= Alright!  
  
(N= And so Sonic went to The Club, a strip club that was known for it's tolerance of public sex.)  
  
SL= *walks up* So you came.  
  
S= Are you the one who...?  
  
SL= Yes, I am.  
  
S= What's your name?  
  
SL= I'm Sally.  
  
S= THE Sally? The one who hacked onto George Bush's porno site?!  
  
SL= That was a while ago.  
  
S= I always thought you were a dirty old guy.  
  
SL= Most men do. I know what you've been looking for, Sonic. I know the question that runs through your head.  
  
S= What is the Faketrix?  
  
SL= There is a man called Knuckles, he will contact you tomorrow during your work. He will show you what the next move is. Till then, I suggest we make erotic love.  
  
S= Sweet.  
  
(N= And so they... made... love. Ugh. I'm sorry, but all this furry sex makes me sick.)  
  
(N= We see Sonic at his job, dutifully typing away after getting yelled at by his boss for being on a porno site. A Fed Ex man appears.)  
  
FEDEX= Package for you sir.  
  
S= Thanks.  
  
FEDEX= Have a nice day.  
  
(N= Sonic opened the package, and found a collection of porno magazines.)  
  
S= All right! Finally!  
  
(N= Suddenly, he gets an email on his Nokia cell phone.)  
  
NOKIA= You've got mail!  
  
S= Huh?  
  
(N= Sonic opened his email and saw a letter typed up.) EMAIL= Sonic, I am Knuckles, I have a message for you. You are stuck in the Faketrix. We will try to get you out. You are in danger, Sonic.  
  
S= In danger?  
  
EMAIL= Yes, in danger. You have to follow my directions carefully. The agents of the Faketrix are in your building, on your floor. You have to jump up, scream loudly, and run.  
  
S= But there's an empty cubicle next to me, couldn't I hide in there?  
  
EMAIL= NO! You have to trust me. Or would you rather go with them?  
  
S= I'll trust you.  
  
EMAIL= When you get to the end of the hallway, jump out the window.  
  
S= WHAT?!!?!!!! I'll get killed!  
  
EMAIL= I'll catch you.  
  
S= No way in hell man. I'm not going all suicidal.  
  
EMAIL= Fine, we'll go with plan "B".  
  
(N= Of course, by then the agents were already there and staring at Sonic.)  
  
SD= Mr. Hedgehog?  
  
S= Ummm...*GULP*... Yes?  
  
SD= My name is Mr. Shadow, I'd like a word with you.  
  
S= Uh, NO!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
(N= Sonic ran for the window, screaming his head off. Mr. Shadow easily caught up with him, and threw him to the ground.)  
  
SD= You're under arrest, Mr. Hedgehog. Agent Bob, Agent Lulu.  
  
BOTH= Yes?  
  
SD= Cuff him.  
  
BOTH= Yes sir.  
  
(N= Outside, the agents put Sonic in their car. In front of the car, Sally is on her black, electric scooter.)  
  
SL= Shit.  
  
(N= Sally scoots away.)  
  
(N= Now we see Sonic in a very uncomfortable chair, in a very white, and uncomfortable room. Mr. Shadow walks in.)  
  
SD= Mr. Hedgehog, we've been watching you. You seem to have two lives, Mr. Hedgehog. In one life, you are a high-ranking worker in a very prestigious software company. But in the other, you're a leader in the porno hacking industry.  
  
S= What do you want with me?  
  
SD= There is an echidna that has contacted you, one called Knuckles. He is an international terrorist and I advise you to tell me what you know. Has he spoke to you on any... actions? Has he asked you to do anything?  
  
S= I know my rights, bitch.  
  
SD= Then you know that you have none; this is America, not Mobius.  
  
S= Yeah...  
  
SD= So you have to tell me everything you know, and we'll wipe the slate clean. Take away all your debts to Uncle Sam, as it were. All you have to do is tell us what you know.  
  
S= Fuck you. I know I have some rights... somewhere. Now give my phone call.  
  
SD= Tell me, Mr. Hedgehog, how can you make a call, if you can't... speak?  
  
S= But I can.  
  
SD= Oh, okay then, well... how can you make a call, if I kick you in the groin?  
  
S= But you haven't!  
  
SD= *THWACK* Now I have.  
  
S= Damn! Urgh!  
  
SD= Agent Bob, Agent Lulu; give him the bug.  
  
S=*urk* The what?  
  
(N= The two agents grabbed a small, electronic bug, and pulled down Sonic's pants. Then they proceeded to stuff the bug up his ass.)  
  
S= OH MY FREAKING GOD!!!  
  
(N= We switch scenes, Sonic wakes up in his room, thinking it was just a dream, his phone rings.)  
  
S= Hello?  
  
SL= Sonic?  
  
S= Yeah.  
  
SL= Your phone is being tapped, we don't have much time. Meet us at the Usuck Bridge in four hours. Be careful.  
  
S= Sure, I will.  
  
(N= At the Usuck Bridge, Sonic waits in the rain, when a four-seater bike rides up, Sally at the third seat.)  
  
S= Couldn't you guys get a car?  
  
SL= On OUR budget? Like hell. The author doesn't pay us shit.  
  
G= Amy, check him for bugs.  
  
A= WILL DO! SONIC! BEND OVER!  
  
S= But we're riding a bike...  
  
A= DO IT!  
  
S= Okay...  
  
(N= Sonic bends over and Amy proceeds to stick her face in his ass.)  
  
S= What the hell are you doing?  
  
A= LOOKING FOR BUGS!  
  
S= This is disgusting.  
  
A= I LOVE LICKING YOUR ASS!  
  
SL= Amy, just... hurry up.  
  
A= WILL DO!  
  
(N= Amy continued to lick Sonic's asshole until a cockroach with a little radio popped out. Sally crushed it.)  
  
SL= Good. Sonic, from now on, you have to cooperate with us, it's our way, or the railroad.  
  
S= Railroad?!  
  
SL= We'll have to tie you to a railroad track. We can't let the agents know where we are. If you don't cooperate, we have to let the train kill you.  
  
S= Damn, that sucks.  
  
SL= Yep. But it's nothing in comparison to what they threatened me.  
  
S= What did they say?  
  
SL= That I would be bondage raped.  
  
S= Wow.  
  
G= Shut up back there, I'm trying to steer.  
  
S= But we're on a bike!  
  
G= I said SHUT UP!!  
  
(N= They arrive at a homeless care center. They walk in and there is Knuckles, sitting at a table, eating a bowl of pea and lentil soup.)  
  
K= Ah, so you have arrived. So, did Sally fill you in?  
  
S= On what?  
  
K= On the choice you have to make.  
  
S= Ummm... no.  
  
K= *slaps Sally* Stupid bitch!  
  
SL= OWWWW!  
  
K= Why the hell do I have to do everything around here. Damn.  
  
S= Uh... I'm sorry?  
  
K= It's not your fault Sonic. As you already know, I am Knuckles. I'm here to let you know what your choice is. You take the blue pill, you wake up, you stay in the Faketrix, and you forget everything that ever happened here. You take the red pill, and you see how deep the rabbit hole goes.  
  
BR= Somebody call for a rabbit hole? *spreads legs*  
  
K= Later, Bunnie.  
  
BR= Okay. *walks off*  
  
S= That was... hotter than hot.  
  
K= Yes, I know. Now take a freaking pill!  
  
S= Okay. *takes red pill* Hey! It tastes like wild cherry! Mmmm...  
  
K= Okay, okay, enough of that shit. Let's outload him Sally.  
  
SL= Okay.  
  
(N= Sally and Knuckles lead Sonic to a separate room and put him in a chair.)  
  
K= See that mirror?  
  
S= Yeah  
  
K= Touch it.  
  
(N= Sonic touched it and was suddenly sucked in. He blacked out. When he awoke he was sitting in a bathtub, covered in Jell-O.)  
  
S= What the...?!  
  
MACHINE= Sorry, we ran out of pods.  
  
S= Oh, that's cool.  
  
(N= Suddenly, Sonic was sucked down the bathtub drain, and landed in a sewage pipe. As he began to faint from the smell, a metal claw grabbed him and lifted him into a hole. He blacked out again.)  
  
(N= When he awoke, he realized that he was feeling an immense amount of sexual pleasure, he looked down to find Amy humping him, over and over.)  
  
S= OH MY GOD! GET THE FUCK OFF ME!!!  
  
A= Take me Sonic! Take me now!  
  
S= *kicks Amy out his door* GET OUT!!!  
  
SL= Amy bothering you?  
  
S= She was... HUMPING me! It was disgusting!  
  
SL= She does that to everyone.  
  
S= Even you?  
  
SL= Yes.  
  
S= Scary.  
  
K= It's time, Sonic.  
  
S= For what?  
  
K= To begin your training.  
  
(N= Knuckles and Sonic go into the Jack-Off room, where Sonic is laid on a chair.)  
  
K= Now this may feel... a little weird.  
  
(N= Knuckles stuffs the needle-like thing into the metal hole in Sonic's ass.)  
  
S= JESUS CHRI*  
  
(N= Sonic begins to shake, then his eyes open.)  
  
S= Dude, I know every martial art there is now.  
  
K= Show me.  
  
(N= Both go into a program dojo. They both are wearing karate uniforms.)  
  
K= Hit me baby one more time... if you can.  
  
S= Okay... FACE THE POWER OF DRUNKEN BOXING!!!!  
  
(N= Sonic goes into a series of Drunken Boxing moves that send him into a flurry of combinations and strange techniques.)  
  
K= Your still standing ten feet away.  
  
S= Oh...*steps close to Knuckles* YAH!  
  
(N= Resumes combinations. Both fighters go into battle, hitting, blocking, hitting, blocking, and pretty much just trying to kick each other's ass. Sonic does a bunch of chicken-style moves and knocks Knuckles down.)  
  
S= I know that you're trying to rape me.  
  
K= WHAT?! I'm straight, man.  
  
S= Oh, sorry.  
  
K= Gator, the humping program.  
  
G= Right away.  
  
(N= Suddenly, Knuckles and Sonic are in the back of a whorehouse, there is a naked lady on the bed.)  
  
S= What am I supposed to do?  
  
K= You have to believe, Sonic. Remember that rules can be bent and broken in the Faketrix. I want you to make her cum in five seconds.  
  
S= That's impossible!  
  
K= No, watch me.  
  
(N= Knuckles got on top of the lady, five seconds later, she spurted all over the bed. Why is there so much furry sex?!!! I hate this fic!)  
  
K= Now you must try.  
  
S= Okay...  
  
(N= So Sonic started humping the lady...)  
  
SL= Maybe he'll do it.  
  
G= No one ever gets the humping program on the first try.  
  
(N= Sonic sped up, but it took him ten seconds.)  
  
S= I failed.  
  
K= Yes, but it was only your first try.  
  
LADY= Oooooh... again!  
  
K= *slap* Shut up bitch!  
  
ANT= No one ever does it on the first try.  
  
(N= Sonic and Knuckles come out of the humping program, and show up in what seems to be the Faketrix. They walk into a crowd of people.)  
  
K= Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah...  
  
S= *thinking* This guy likes to hear himself talk, doesn't he?  
  
K= And of course, McDonalds is the Satanist movement's blah blah blah blah blah...  
  
(N= Sonic walks by a lady in a blue-green with black trim dress, he looks at her for a while.)  
  
K= Sonic, were you listening to me, or were you watching the lady in the blue-green with black trim dress?  
  
S= Duh...  
  
K= Look again.  
  
(N= Sonic did.)  
  
S= So?  
  
K= Damn, she's fine, ain't she?  
  
S= Yeah.  
  
K= What a babe.  
  
S= This isn't the Faketrix, is it?  
  
K= Hell, no! You're waaaay too weak to be fighting agents right now.  
  
S= Thanks, Mr. Bluntfucker  
  
K= I just tell it like it is, Sonic. Let's go back to the real world now.  
  
S= Cool.  
  
(N= So back to the real world they went. Damn, that lady in the blue-green with black trim dress is hot! My pants... are shrinking.)  
  
S= *gets out of chair* I get it; the agents can be whoever they want to be, so everybody in the Faketrix is a potential enemy!  
  
K= How the hell did you figure that?  
  
S= I don't know, probably the author.  
  
K= Damn author, ruining my punch line.  
  
S= Punch line?  
  
K= Yeah, that whole agent-being-whoever-they-want is bullshit. I use it to scare the hell out of newbies like you.  
  
S= Oh, okay.  
  
(N= Sonic goes to sleep, and wakes up and goes to breakfast.)  
  
T= Have you ever thought that we don't know what Wheaties really tasted like? It could have tasted like chicken, or turkey, or an old lady's ass...  
  
ALL= SHUT UP TAILS!  
  
T= Fine.  
  
T= ...  
  
T= Hey Sonic...  
  
S= What?  
  
T= You saw the lady in the blue-green with black trim dress?  
  
S= Yeah. Why? Did you design her?  
  
T= Hell no. I'm not smart enough.  
  
S= Good, I hate to think I jerked it on account of something YOU made.  
  
SL= It's time, Sonic.  
  
S= For what?  
  
SL= For us to see Lien-Da.  
  
S= Who's that?  
  
M= The Oracle.  
  
(N= So they all jacked off, I mean... in... to the Faketrix. They are riding in a four-seater bicycle once again.)  
  
S= Have you ever met the Oracle?  
  
SL= Yes, she said...  
  
S= I don't care what she told you.  
  
SL= Oh.  
  
K= Here we are.  
  
G= Late as always...  
  
K= Hey, you're the only one who complains! Do I hear Sonic and Sally complaining? NO! Only you! Shut up.  
  
G= Okay, geez.  
  
(N= Sonic and Knuckles walk into the building. A hobo attacks.)  
  
HOBO= BANSHEEEEEE!!  
  
S= Holy CHRIST!  
  
K= Back, Jake! He is not yours!  
  
HOBO= But... the banshees...  
  
K=...aren't here. They're... OVER THERE!!!  
  
HOBO= *runs off* AAAAAAHH! BANSHEEEEEE!!!!  
  
S= Scary...  
  
K= You'll get used to it. Here we are.  
  
(N= They open a door, and a bunch of crazy Irish children throw beer bottles at them.)  
  
K= Ummm... You see the Oracle, I'm getting the hell out of, I mean, I'll wait outside, Sonic.  
  
S= Wuss.  
  
K= What are you going to do about it?  
  
S= I don't know.  
  
K= Go see the freaking Oracle.  
  
(N=Sonic sits for a minute with a bald child, and the child speaks, while trying to eat a spoon.)  
  
SPOONBOY= Do not try to gain your sanity! Instead, only try to realize the truth! S= Which is?  
  
SPOONBOY= There is no sanity!  
  
(N=Suddenly, the hobo runs up to Spoonboy.)  
  
HOBO= BANSHEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!  
  
(N= The hobo dumps a candle on Spoonboy. Spoonboy screams and burns into a crisp.)  
  
S= HOLY CHRIST ALMIGHTY MARY JESUS MOTHER OF GOD INCARNATED GOOD!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S THE HOBO!!!!!!!!  
  
HOBO= *runs off*  
  
S= I'm seeing the Oracle now, then, I'm changing my pants.  
  
(N= Sonic walks through a doorway of glittering beads, and sees a very naked Lien-Da masturbating on the table.)  
  
LD= Just a minute, Sonic, I'm almost done... *spurt* ...there! Ah, much better.  
  
S= You're the Oracle.  
  
LD= Yeah, I know everything.  
  
S= So, am I the First or not?  
  
LD= Here, let me take a hold of your penis.  
  
S= Okay.  
  
LD= (Wow that's big.) Now I'm supposed to say: Hmmm, that's interesting (and big) but...  
  
S= But what?  
  
LD= But you already (have a huge dick) know what I'm going to say.  
  
S= I'm not the First.  
  
LD= Sorry baby, you've got the heart (and the penis,) but you're not the First.  
  
S= Damn, you suck.  
  
LD= (I wish) Look, I'm sorry, here have a cookie (or, you can have me) when you're done eating it, you'll feel much better (even better if you'd move that big thing of yours just a little closer to me.)  
  
S= Why do you keep talking in parenthesis?  
  
LD= (Why don't you let me suck that size 13" dick?) That's my normal half.  
  
S= What's the other one?  
  
LD= The wise one; The one without parenthesis, the Oracle-like half.  
  
S= Why does your normal half want me?  
  
LD= We both want (your dick) you, but only my normal side is willing. The Oracle side is able to withstand such temptations.  
  
S= What if I did this?  
  
(N= Sonic runs his hand across Lien-Da's breasts.)  
  
LD= HOLY CHRIST!!!! TAKE ME NOW!!!!  
  
S= Now?  
  
LD= NOW, DAMN YOU!!!  
  
S= Okay.  
  
(N= So, Sonic once again had sex. Damn it! I hate this author! All he wants to write about is furry sex!)  
  
LD= That was... wow...  
  
S= Bye.  
  
LD= Bye.  
  
(N= Sonic left and Knuckles came up to him.)  
  
K= Let's go.  
  
S= Cool.  
  
(N= They get in the elevator and are on their way down.)  
  
K= I'm not going to ask you what the Oracle said.  
  
S= I don't want you to.  
  
K= Oh... but I AM going to ask you what the Oracle did.  
  
S= She sucked my happy place.  
  
K= Oh, yeah, she's good like that.  
  
S= Obviously.  
  
(N= They boarded the bike and rode off to the meeting place, where Antoine, Tails, Amy, and Mighty were waiting.)  
  
S= Isn't this a Funhouse of Mirrors?  
  
K= Budget cuts.  
  
SL= Damn author.  
  
ALL= Yeah...  
  
(N= So they entered the funhouse. Sonic watched as a young teen took her clothes off. He turned, looked back and saw her do it again.)  
  
S= Déjà vu...  
  
ALL= *turn*  
  
K= What?  
  
S= Déjà vu. I saw a girl take off her clothes, and then I saw a girl that looked exactly the same do the same thing.  
  
SL= Let's go.  
  
S= What.  
  
M= Agents are coming.  
  
S= How do you know?  
  
T= Whenever there is a déjà vu, it means the machines changed something in the Faketrix.  
  
K= Guys, to the top floor!  
  
(N= They hurried to the top floor.)  
  
K= Into the bathroom!  
  
SL= Why?  
  
K= Do it!  
  
(N= They crowded into the bathroom.)  
  
S= Tails, stop touching me!  
  
T= But, Sonic... I'm attracted to you.  
  
S= Hey, Knuckles, wanna trade spaces?  
  
K= No.  
  
S= Shit.  
  
T= You're mine, sexy.  
  
S= NOOOOO!!!!!!  
  
SL= Knock it off Tails! *whap*  
  
T= owwww...  
  
M= Fucking shithead.  
  
K= Gay whoremonger.  
  
S= Sick bastard.  
  
SL= Dickless dillhole.  
  
T= WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAH!!!! *runs off*  
  
K= Into the walls! Tails has given away our location!  
  
(N= They dived into the walls and started sliding down. Suddenly a hand grabbed Knuckles throat and pulled him through the wall.)  
  
SD= Mr. Knuckles, hello.  
  
K= GET OUT GUYS! I'LL HANDLE THIS BITCH!!!!  
  
SL= Come on Sonic, we can't save him now, let's go!  
  
S= But I don't want to save him.  
  
SL= No arguments! Let's go!  
  
(N= They all slid down the wall and into a grate, coming out by a SWAT team van.)  
  
SL= Hey guys!  
  
SWAT= Hey.  
  
SL= Coffee break?  
  
SWAT= Yeah.  
  
SL= Shouldn't you guys be shooting us?  
  
SWAT= Why?  
  
S= Well, this storyboard says we're supposed to get shot at by a bunch of SWAT guys.  
  
SWAT= Nah, that storyline sucks, we're enjoying the coffee. Just go to your jack off phones or whatever.  
  
M= Let's go!  
  
(N= They went to a phone in a Chili's diner and picked it up as it rang. Antoine went through.)  
  
ANT= Thanks man.  
  
G= No prob!  
  
ANT= But now you must die!  
  
G= What?  
  
(N= Antoine stabbed Gator seventeen times with a spoon, and Gator died. Antoine spoke into the phone.)  
  
ANT= Ha ha! Now I killed Gator!  
  
SL= You bastard!  
  
ANT= Let's see if what happens if I pull out Mighty's and Amy's cords!  
  
A= SONIC, MAKE LOVE TO ME!!!!!  
  
S= NO!  
  
A= *dies*  
  
M= Aw, shit. *dies*  
  
SL= You son of a bitch!  
  
ANT= Now, let's see if I can pull it out of Sonic! I mean, if he's the First, there's gotta be some kind of miracle to keep me from touching him!  
  
(N= Suddenly, Antoine's chair explodes.)  
  
ANT= *dead*  
  
G= I'm back!  
  
SL= What?  
  
G= Turns out I'm not supposed to die!  
  
S= Cool.  
  
G= Come on home guys!  
  
(N= So they all went back to the real world.)  
  
SL= They've got Knuckles.  
  
G= We have to pull his plug!  
  
SL= Yes.  
  
S= No, this is wrong!  
  
SL= Why?  
  
S= The Oracle said I'd have to make a choice; his life or mine.  
  
SL= Really?  
  
S= Well... kinda... you kind of have to read between the lines... of sex... to get the answer... yeah...  
  
SL= Mmm... hm. But you're the First! Knuckles gave his life for you. Tails is dead, so is Mighty, and Amy. Well... Tails and Amy aren't a big deal, but Mighty was my friend! And Knuckles was a temporary lover!  
  
S= The Oracle said I'm not the First; she hit me with that too...along with her hot body. *drool*  
  
SL= NOOOO!  
  
S= I'm going in. Gator, get me as close as possible.  
  
SL= I'm going too!  
  
S= No you're not.  
  
SL= I'll give you hot sex.  
  
S= Okay.  
  
(N= They both jacked off... er... into the Faketrix. They walk through a metal detector, it doesn't beep, so they go to the room where the agents are holding Knuckles.)  
  
K= Mardi Gras dudes!  
  
S= What?  
  
SL= What did you damned agents do to him?  
  
AGENTLULU= Nothing! He just took all our alcohol and got really drunk and didn't stop.  
  
K= Why's the room shpinning and shpinning... *passes out*  
  
S= Knuckles... can you hear me?  
  
K= The hobo has meeee... guuuuuhhh  
  
S= Yeeeeaaaah... look Knuckles, we're gonna take you home now, okay?  
  
SD= Please do, Mr. Hedgehog, he's very annoying, and he drank all my aftershave.  
  
SL= Ewwww...  
  
SD= And I think he might have been drinking from my toilet.  
  
SL= Double ewww...  
  
(N= So Sally took Knuckles out of the Faketrix, and Sonic faced Agent Bob, Agent Lulu, and, the most dangerous one, Agent Shadow.)  
  
AGENTBOB= You are goin' down cowpoke!  
  
AGENTLULU= Hawaiiieeeee!!!!!  
  
SD= Goodbye, Mr. Hedgehog, it was nice knowing you.  
  
S= It's time to die... for you... now... yeah... HIYA!  
  
(N= Sonic jumped out a window and ran to the subway station.)  
  
SD= He's mine.  
  
OTHERAGENTS= Yes sir.  
  
(N= Sonic was cornered, by the hobo.)  
  
HOBO= BANSHEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
S= Get away from me!  
  
(N= Suddenly, the hobo turned into Agent Shadow.)  
  
S= Hey, I thought Knuckles said that ability was bullshit.  
  
SD= KNUCKLES is bullshit.  
  
S= Oh.  
  
SD= Let's rock, Mr. Hedgehog.  
  
(N= Very cool sounding techno music plays in the background as Sonic and Shadow fight each other. Sonic gets knocked to the ground.)  
  
S= LEG CRAMP!!!!  
  
SD= What?!  
  
S= Oh GOD THE PAIN!!!  
  
SD= Aw, shit, Mr. Hedgehog, I'm sorry.  
  
(N= Sonic shot his foot into Shadow's groin.)  
  
S= HA!  
  
SD= You forget, Mr. Hedgehog; I'm a program, I have no penis.  
  
S= That's just nasty.  
  
SD= Hey, blame the author.  
  
S= I BLAME YOU, AUTHOR!!!!  
  
SD= That's better.  
  
(N= So they resumed fighting. Shadow punched Sonic in bullet-time motion over and over until he finally threw Sonic into the railway.)  
  
SD= *gets Sonic in headlock* Do you smell it Mr. Hedgehog? Smell the fear?  
  
S= Not really, sinuses and all that y'know.  
  
SD= Well then... Do you see it Mr. Hedgehog? See the electric train coming to squash you?  
  
S= Yep, clearly.  
  
SD= And you're not panicking?  
  
S= Nope.  
  
SD= Why?  
  
S= Because I'm the star, I'm not supposed to die.  
  
SD= Oh, shit...  
  
(N= Sonic jumped out of Shadow's arms and landed on the station walkway. The train rammed into Shadow.)  
  
S= That'll show you bitch.  
  
(N= Suddenly, Shadow attacks Sonic.)  
  
S= But... but... the train...  
  
SD= I'm an agent Mr. Hedgehog, I dodged the train.  
  
S= How?  
  
SD= Hell, I don't know, the author, probably...  
  
S= Damn him.  
  
(N= Sonic ran off and entered an old porno theater, he hears the phone ring, and goes into the room where the phone is, but there is Shadow with a bazooka. He shoots Sonic repeatedly.)  
  
SD= HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DIE YOU BASTARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
S= *dead*  
  
SD= Looks like that's it for the First.  
  
(N= In the real world, Sally watches Sonic.)  
  
SL= Sonic, I don't know if you can hear me...  
  
K= Incoming! The machines are entering the hull!  
  
SL= Which ones?!  
  
K= Those squidy ones! Y'know the one's with Direct TV satellite dishes on their tentacles.  
  
SL= *gasp* OH NO!!! They have over 2,000 channels!  
  
K= Much better than the cable companies.  
  
SL= Yeah...  
  
(N= Sally speaks to Sonic, getting uncomfortably closer every second.)  
  
SL= Sonic, I don't know why, but I love you, and I know you're the First. No, the Oracle didn't tell me, she knows jack-shit, but I still know. Now wake up, or I won't make love to you when you get here. Wake up.  
  
(N= In the Faketrix Sonic stands up, his holes healed. Shadow turns around.)  
  
SD= No...  
  
S= Ah shit, I can't see nothin' with this fucking data stream vision.  
  
SD= DIE!!!  
  
(N= Shadow runs at Sonic. Suddenly, Sonic opens his mouth and Shadow gets caught in it. Sonic swallows him.)  
  
S= Mmmmmm...  
  
(N= Suddenly a fart is heard, and what remains of Shadow comes out of Sonic's ass, brown and gooey... and very, very dead.)  
  
S= Gross.  
  
(N= Suddenly, the Poop-Shadow exploded!  
  
POOPSD= *EXPLODE*  
  
S= Grosser.  
  
(N= Suddenly, the phone rings again, and Sonic goes into the real world in time for Knuckles to fire the EMP and stop the Direct TV sentiles.)  
  
K= So you are First!  
  
S= No... I'm the One.  
  
K= That's the Matrix. The Matrix is just a movie.  
  
S= I know, but I like the One better than the First.  
  
K= Whatever.  
  
(N= Suddenly, Sonic's cellphone rings.)  
  
S= Yeah?  
  
AGENTLULU= HAWWAAAAAIIEEEEEEE!!!!!!  
  
S= Quit calling me you foreign fuck!  
  
AGENTLULU= WAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!! I LOVE YOU!!!!!  
  
S= *hangs up* Freakin' whackjob.  
  
SL= I love you.  
  
S= I want to make love to you too.  
  
SL= All I said was that I love you...  
  
S= Yes, and nachos would be great right now.  
  
SL= But... I love...  
  
S= I wonder if the Cubs are in town?  
  
SL= You're an idiot.  
  
S= Yeah... I love you too.  
  
SL= *sigh*  
  
S= *calls back Agent Lulu*  
  
AGENTLULU= Yes?  
  
S= I'm taking them away from you. They aren't yours. They should be free from you. And I'm the guy to do it.  
  
AGENTLULU= Fine, I'll give you back your freaking boxer shorts.  
  
S= Thank you.  
  
(AUTHOR= That's the end of part one of the Faketrix Series. I hope you enjoyed it. I want to thank Kristine, Ben, Mallory, my other selves, and the Shire for giving me advice. And my few fans, I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!! *cricket noises* Ahem... cough cough... )  
  
Stay Tuned! 


End file.
